i lost focus for a while.. on myself. on what i wanted. i’m not sure anymore what i really want. i found a great guy who’s always there for me, but i’ll admit.. he’s young. he’s working on getting a car and his license, but he still lives with his dad. i don’t know. i love him. but in some ways i feel like i’m growing beyond what can be offered here.
i’m hardly ever at my apartment. two nights a week at best. i’m mostly staying at his house. i feel silly for paying 500$/month for an apartment i’m never at.
i’ve started taking my vitamins and whitening my teeth again. spring is here and i want to take care of myself seriously this time around. it’s only march 20. i want to look good for september.
i want to start running, but i feel silly starting out. i feel like people will judge me. that i jiggle when i run. that i don’t run correctly. or just that people around here will recognize me and think i’ve gotten fat.
sometimes i’m so irrational. i should just go for a run down by the beach. fuck, why do i do this to myself.
bingo is tonight. but he’s still sleeping. we usually leave at 2. it’s 1:15. maybe we arent going this week.
i can’t wait to fit into my clothes better and feel great about myself when i look into the mirror.