ah what the hell

i lost focus for a while.. on myself.  on what i wanted.  i’m not sure anymore what i really want.  i found a great guy who’s always there for me, but i’ll admit.. he’s young.  he’s working on getting a car and his license, but he still lives with his dad.  i don’t know.  i love him.  but in some ways i feel like i’m growing beyond what can be offered here.

i’m hardly ever at my apartment.  two nights a week at best.  i’m mostly staying at his house.  i feel silly for paying 500$/month for an apartment i’m never at.

i’ve started taking my vitamins and whitening my teeth again.  spring is here and i want to take care of myself seriously this time around.  it’s only march 20.  i want to look good for september.

i want to start running, but i feel silly starting out.  i feel like people will judge me.  that i jiggle when i run.  that i don’t run correctly.  or just that people around here will recognize me and think i’ve gotten fat. 

sometimes i’m so irrational.  i should just go for a run down by the beach.  fuck, why do i do this to myself.

bingo is tonight.  but he’s still sleeping.  we usually leave at 2.  it’s 1:15.  maybe we arent going this week.

i can’t wait to fit into my clothes better and feel great about myself when i look into the mirror.

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